so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
