May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
