People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
