so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
