I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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