New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
