The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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