I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
