I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
