Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
