As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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