I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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