I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
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