Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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