you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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