you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
