it glows. i had to have it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
