Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You left your phone here
Wait...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
