Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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