I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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