I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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