I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
