What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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