I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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