my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
