I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
