I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
