Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
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I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
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We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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