I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
