I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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