Jerry, you need to find god
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
