I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
