do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
