i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
