first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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