Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The uberlube is also flammable
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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