And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
