im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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