____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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