God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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