Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
