So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
