I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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