from now on my penis is your penis
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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