Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
