mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
