just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
