What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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