I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
