He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
