i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
