All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
