Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
