Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
