What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
