His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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