If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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