Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
