I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
