i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
