its not stalking. its research.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
