How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
