Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
